I apologized

I am hesitant to write this post because I don't want to appear to be seeking, "Atta Girl!" comments from my loyal friends.  Mostly, writing this out is my way of working through my feelings.

Brad, who has struggles of his own, suggested I pray about how to work with his family situation.  I admit, though I do pray for them, I really was getting sick of it all.  But to honor my husband, I prayed.  A week ago Wednesday, I woke knowing I needed to apologize for my behavior.  I came to my computer and quickly but thoughtfully drafted two letters.

Keeping them short, less than a page at 14 point font, I told his daughter (and husband) and son (and wife) I was sorry for things I had done to make the relationship with their father more difficult for them.

Then, I mailed the letters.

It felt really good--a calm and peace came over me.  As I slipped them in the mail slot, I knew it didn't matter if either was answered, that I had said my piece. It didn't matter if the letters were mocked, ignored, or if they stirred up anger.   I didn't do it to be the "better person," or to make a calculated move because this is no game.  I did it because it seemed to be the right thing to do. I did it because it was best for me.  So in that way, I was being selfish. (Therefore, no pats on the back.)

I still have moments of wanting to detail each hurt and wanting to defend or at least explain myself.  I'm not so good at the all encompassing forgiveness.  There's my ugly confession.   Still, all-in-all, the peace is what remains strongest.

His daughter answered my letter with an email.  I'm not sure what's next from here, I'm not sure there needs to be a next.  I think that's peace again.

I like it.