As most of you know, I, the non-nature girl, was doing my best to take care of a baby bird for a while. For a week Horace lived; on Tuesday I found him dead.
I cried a bit which is weird because I don't even like birds all that much. Brad hugged me a bit, but only a bit because it was really hot. Then he buried Horace for me.
Since it was still so hot yesterday, I spent most of the day inside. And all day, I kept checking on Horace. Or, I'd hear a bird and think it was him or his mama. I found it funny how quickly I had become attached, how routine the care for him was, and how much a part of me held affection for him--for a baby bird. Each time I rerealized he was dead and gone, well, it pinched a bit.
It made me think of my friend Megan and her dog Lucy. Lucy had cancer, and Megan and her husband decided to have her put down a few weeks ago. Megan did things to steel herself, but that's never really possible. I told her to expect to forget Lucy had died, forget at the weirdest times--like months from now when she's out and she thinks, "Oh, I have to get home to take Lucy out," and then she'll remember no, no she doesn't. I told her to expect that. And to expect the hurt.
I'm not a huge animal lover, I'd like a dog someday, and nurturing Horace stirred that a bit more in me. But losing him made me acknowledge all over again, I do know how deeply missing reaches.
Shedding tears over a baby robin or for a friend who is missing a dog, well I guess it's normal. But these losses remind me of larger losses. Life's BIG ONES. People who have been a part of my life's routine and now, for many reasons, they are not. I miss them. I usually do, but this little awkward, ugly baby bird and his death has pulled a scab off my heart.
To all those who have left my life, your loss is once again open. It's good though, the only thing in this heart is love. To be wounded because I cared for someone is a most amazing gift.
Prepare to be underwhelmed.
I met a man so nice, I married him twice!
10 comments:
My husband and I still shed tears at unexpected moments over our beloved former dogs, cats, guinea pigs and even a fish named "Fat Fish".... each was unique, endearing and had a huge impact on our lives. When you love an animal(even hermit crabs - all God's creatures great and small) your heart's capacity to love grows and you become a better person, able to love each other even more deeply.
Just sending hugs...
I'm not sad, but I often do live with an overwhelming sense of missing. People reach so deep, you know, that when they're gone, there is a hole.
That's a good thing. Can you imagine NOT missing?
I think maybe losing our pets is a bit like "practice" for the big losses. Not to say losing a pet isn't big...I will be devastated when the time comes for my boys...but it isn't the same as losing a parent or child or friend. We can begin to learn how to handle the loss, though. That's part of why I believe kids should always have pets.
But see, I've had big losses. All my grandparents, my parents, my 24-year -old-friend. So I'm a little befuddle at why a little "wild" bird made me cry.
Amen! This is a beautiful post, Ellie! Thanks for sharing a piece of your heart with us!
All of this just wants me to cry now :(
I think sometimes it's easier to "grieve" for an animal or pet then someone we love. When someone we love, a family member or friend, dies, I think we as people try to "be strong" and we feel unrealistic expectations when it comes to "how to grieve."
With animals, its so much easier to just let yourself feel. They lead such simple existences, and generally our relationships with them are simple. When it comes to grieving, it's simple.
I've seen my father cry twice in my life. Once one my grandmother (his Mother-In-Law) died, and once when we put our first dog down. Animals have a way of working themselves into your heart in a way you don't expect.
Just wanted to let you know I read it. Thanks for your kindness.
Okay. Shoot me. I'm just now catching up. Sheesh. I don't have time and shouldn't be here… and yet… here I am!!
Poor little Horace.
And poor your heart. Not to be condescending, but that I feel you.
I always think of Desperado… and how our hearts will never know love if we don't let it in.
It can be messy… but so worth it.
Horace was lucky to have you… and your family is blessed because of you.
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