"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"
2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV)
I've joined a "team", a team of thousands that encourages me to memorize two Bible verses each month. I figure this is a good thing. You see, I'm not Bible smart. I'm not learned (pronounce with two syllables please) about God stuff. There are many people I know in person and on-line who are so much smarter than I am about the history of the Bible and all He has to teach us.
At times that intimidates me.
If you know me at all, that's one confession you most likely previously figured out.
Here are some others:
I'm practically estranged from my family. My parents have both died, and since then I have lost contact or contact has been purposefully severed with all my aunts, uncles and cousins. Sometimes I deeply grieve these losses. My siblings are good people but we are not tight. We see each other at Thanksgiving and Christmas. I wish this was different. I often miss them, and I always love them. Life gets in the way of time together.
Brad's family chooses to not fit me into their lives, and I have struggled with this a bit. I can understand it, but it still hasn't always been pretty. It has settled into a deep calm, and I value that. A bigger confession? I'm not an innocent party in this situation.
My circle of real friends is quite small, and most of them aren't friends with each other, so they're more like my satellites than they are people who truly encircle me. They're my dot-to-dot, connected to each other only by me in my heart.
I am incredibly lazy, and I usually think of myself and my own needs for much longer than a moment before I consider anyone else.
Sometimes I'm too hard on my students, and I wonder if that will hurt them--even though I believe they know they are loved.
Mac and Brad are my family, and I am blessed to be a mom and a wife to two such good men. That feels good to confess. When the three of us are together, there is a wholeness.
Another true confession, one I wish my behavior and words didn't so often belie: I am a Christ Follower. Jesus is my Truth leader--and following Him means I cannot rest in that belief though He does afford me rest. It's often hard for me to be me for most of the reasons mentioned above, I want to live on because He lives in me. Of course, I cannot quote chapter and verse where the Bible tells me that, but I know it and I feel it. I pray to live it.
So Ellie is a new thing, but it is a constant battle, if not an impossibility, to lose myself. If it happens, it is so brief and Godly I could never express it here--there are no words for that kind of thing.
Almost six years ago, I became the new creation the verse above, memorized for February 1, celebrates. Just like my name can jump out of a jumble of text on a page, this verse jumped out at me when I first came across it. I used to believe Christians thought of themselves as without flaws, but like many of my brothers and sisters I see my flaws and wrestle with them daily. I am not good in so many ways, the one way that saves me is looking to Him, moving with Him, while always hoping to allow the Him within me to show. This life is not static, this new thing is not finished.
6 comments:
Welcome back:)
Very honest and moving post. Several months ago, one of my favorite priests said that if you can't muster up the energy to set aside lengthy prayer time, consider closing your eyes and saying, "Jesus make me new today."
I LOVE THAT.
Today in church we concentrated on Ephesians 4:29...fit me to a T...basicially be kind with your words. Sounds like you are wrestling with alot. I hear ya...we have similar lives...I am learning to live with God too! Take Care of yourself!
Ellen, I have been a Christian for almost 50 years and I still struggle with much of my Christian walk. But I know for a certainty that I am His, that He has a plan for my life, and that I can depend upon whatever the plan is that it is for my good. The disciplines are what I struggle with, memorizing scripture, prayer, consistency in my Bible reading. Yet I have a lot more faith in general than my dear husband, who has faithfully and thoughtfully read his Bible every day of the 30 years that we've been married to my knowledge. We each work it out in our own way.
I can attest that you are "hard" on your students, but in the best possible way! I had a certain teacher in 4th grade who lacked any and all control over her class, it was terrible (Perhaps you remember her.. she left the following year). Even at that young age, I knew I was gaining nothing from her class. Fast forward to your classroom the next year, and I felt challenged every day. But that only made the successes more sweet. Kids are coddled a lot these days, having a teacher that teaches them to LEARN rather than just get by is beyond beneficial.
So stop beating yourself up! After many years of schooling, you were in my top three teachers without a doubt :)
I missed you! Glad you are back!
I love your brutal honesty, but wanted to remind you to not be so hard on yourself. God knows you are human. Finding peace in your relationships, is God's way of helping you realize - they are okay.
Hugs!
Post a Comment