I married Brad in 2007, and I haven't accompanied him to see his family since Christmastime of 2008. Early visits were always a little awkward, and the last visit was just an all around unhappy one; not just for me. Emails were exchange after that, in time mean words were shared, peculiar accusations were made, and the thought of going back just wasn't a welcoming one.
I felt his kids didn't believe it necessary to make an effort to get to know me. I felt like anything I said was weighed and judged beyond its true intent. I figured out that I didn't matter except to be picked at, picked apart or ignored. Mostly ignored.
Brad understood and was okay with any decision I made. I made the decision to stay here.
It was and is hard because they are Brad's family, and he loves them very much. I hoped to honor that by getting to know them. It's difficult also, because I'm a little envious of the relationship Brad and Mac have--it's a good one, a respect filled one. They share their love for me, they value their love from me, and there's such peace between the three of us. It's a blessing.
For months, God had been prompting me to walk through and work through the in-law/step-kid stuff, to offer an olive branch in attempt to repair relationships. There was no question of what He wanted me to do.
On top of that Godly kick in the pants is the realization that I have reason for concern when Brad drives to see his family. He has back disease, he takes medicine for extreme pain, and the drugs make him sleepy on long drives. So though I don't worry, I do pray while he's away, and I'd feel better if I were there to spell him as the second driver.
And, Brad tells me whenever I'm not at a family gathering, "There is an elephant in the room." Perhaps only he feels it, this I cannot know. (Score: Ellie none--elephant 1.)
With all those factors considered I reached out to one stepdaughter-in-law. She said she had no bad feelings toward me, but no thanks. No bad feelings at all, yet no good ones either. When gifts are sent to any of the grandkids, if a thank you is received it is sent (via email) to Brad--even when the gift is from me singularly. This has always been the case, but has happened since I reached out. So that's another clue.
Come holiday time, I may drive to Indy with Brad and hang out in our hotel or with local friends while he's with family. But attend a family gathering with him? I have determined I would be more of an elephant in the room if I were to show up after three years of absence than I would be in continuing with my absence.
It would seem they are more comfortable with family as is. It has been made clear they don't think about this rift as often as I do (or really ever at all). They do not find repair important because to them nothing is broken. I have to stop making this be about me.
Looking beyond that...there is good.
I was obedient to God. I did exactly what he told me to do. I pursued it beyond initial contact. I was gentle in my requests. I got a clear no. Leery at the prospect and puzzled at the response, it still simply feels right to follow a prompting.
I'm still not sure of His intention, but this past weekend I received more clarity and calm. He continues, as my friend Connie says, to hold the pen--mine is His story to tell.
*This is not a manipulative act to get them to know how I'm feeling. From what I have discerned over time, none of his children read my blog. So while it's on the world wide web, this is a safe place to share these feelings.
If, by some fluke, this post is "discovered," rebuttal is welcome.
12 comments:
I have to offer an olive branch to my sister..but I don't want to...but I need to...
I am sorry this is so hard on you...between a rock and a hard place!
Thank you for keeping us posted on this. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has kept this in prayer.
But you are so right! God must certainly be pleased that you tried. And at this point, no one can say (rightfully say, anyways) that you didn't try. You did. And now you can keep your head held high, because you have done what you can.
In-Law Relationships can be so complicated, which is a bummer, since in the purest sense, you both care deeply for the same person. But sometimes I think this world makes the simplicity of that fact clouded.
I think if you have friends and loved ones that live nearby, then that would be a fine idea-to share the drive together and then split once in town. You'll get a chance to visit with far away loved ones (whom I'm sure would be delighted to see you!), and you'd still get to spend those road tripping hours with your favorite guy.
Huge hugs. I'm really glad you took the step & honestly, I would encourage you to keep that door open. Maybe, go & have Brad ask before hand if they would be more comfortable with you there or staying at the hotel. Express your concern in regards to how they are feeling. You don't want them uncomfortable, but Brad realizes your not being there causes discomfort as well. So which would they prefer for there to not be discomfort.
One thing is true - it won't get better by avoiding. That said, I realize, it could get worse by comfronting the situation.
I'll be praying for you.
Oh man... family "stuff" is with every family. You can only do so much, ya know. Its a 2 sides thing & as long as you are doing what God prompts you to do - then have peace with that. I know its so hard to have rifts when everyone cant get together... but God's work takes time for the most part. Hang in there lady!
I know of several others in my circle of friends who have those issues with family and step family! So sad! What your hubby's family is doing is soooo insulting to him. Maybe it is time that he take this up with them - not fighting for you but sharing what pain this causes to him! Blessings as you seek to do God's will!
I'm sorry that your offering of peace was refused. You followed God's leading, that's all you can do.
Perhaps he was teaching you something. Perhaps he was planting a seed in Brad's kids. Maybe one day you will see the fruit. Or maybe not. God has his purposes and it's not always for us to understand.
On a very human level....somebody (a few somebodies, actually) really need to grow up. Mommy and Daddy are over and Daddy shouldn't be punished for finding happiness and moving on with his life.
I feel for you, I know how much relationships mean to you, and I'm sure that it makes you feel yucky to have this be the way it is.
I agree with previous poster, you never know why you were called to do this. The ball is now in their court, and hopefully you have planted a seed that will somehow mature into a purpose you never could have realized or intended.
My Mom was really hesitant to open up to her father's new wife. But in the past year, they have become friends. I think my Mom really appreciates their relationship, but it took time. There are still moments of resentment, anger, or sadness, but they aren't directed entirely at his new wife, but rather the situation.
I saw, "Well done."
You moved out of your comfort to extend friendship and peace. You've done well. Perhaps one day your efforts will be returned in kind. I'd love to visit sometime if you ever make the trip over with Brad.
Glad you heard God's leading and followed. It's a hard situation but I'm glad you are hanging in there and trying to do what you can.
Tina
You are so welcome within our crazy, upheaval world anytime! So make the drive with Brad and spend time with us! And lastly....we love you!
Families can be so complex! It sounds like you made the first step and that is all you can do. Go and enjoy the time with friends and the time on the road with your husband! I love road trips with just my husband and I. Maybe in time his family will come around. If not you have done what God led you to do and can feel at peace with that!
You will be rewarded for your obedience. Maybe not in the way you were thinking {reconciliation} but in Brad's eyes, and most certainly in God's eyes. I know that was not your intent {to get a reward} I'm just observing.
I like the idea of you driving with Brad and doing your own thing. That also is husband and God-honoring.
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