Laying of the Hands?

I wrote recently of praying over my iPhone in service as we ready to hear God's word.  The very day after that post, I found myself praying for a fellow blogger who wrote candidly about her depression.  Her photo was up on the screen, and as I spoke with God, I reached out to touch her.

The former makes us smile when we do it, the latter made me feel connected to my friend whom I've never met.

Corny, but true.  A lot of that God stuff is.

This week's question, "What's the strangest thing you have ever found yourself praying over or holding in your hands when praying?"

God Has the Details

A story is running in our local newscasts about U.S. Representative Jesse Jackson Jr.  He's been absent from the public eye for a while, and now it's being reported that he is dealing with severe physical and emotional ailments.  Details are scant.  Privacy has been requested.

The family has also asked for thoughts and prayers.

Now I'm not political, and I'm not a fan or critic of the Jacksons.  I admit, I haven't prayed for him yet, but I have hoped things will go well for him.  That was my initial response to this story.  But then, on channel nine news yesterday, they had a video of one of his former foes, Debbie Halvorson.  She was skeptical, that look was in her eyes, and she said something so dumb.

I don't have a direct quote, but the gist of her comment was, "They've asked for good thoughts and prayers, but how are we supposed to  pray for him when we don't really know what's wrong?"  She had a "Church Lady" feel about her that just didn't sit well with me.

My first thought was, "Way to attempt to stir up controversy, lady."  My second was, "What a stupid thing to say."

Yeah, dumb then stupid not too nice of me in a post about God, eh?  But I'm being candid here.

The thing is, the God thing is, HE knows.  So for people who asked such things, "How do we pray?" The answer is simply, remember that even when you don't know they details, truth, or situation, God will know exactly what you're praying about.  To ask for more details in order to know what to pray for is an attempt to gather information for our little minds to make judgments about, it's not going to help God any. 

Do you find yourself doing that?  I do.  And when I do that, when I ask for more than just the hurting person's name (because that makes it more real to me and I actually remember to pray), when I ask for details, what I'm really asking for is gossip.  I hate that about myself, which is exactly why I didn't like it from the woman on air.  Her behavior called mine out.

And I felt ashamed.

Thankful

     On work mornings, I have developed the habit of getting in my car, turning the radio off, starting my drive, and praying.  This is a wonderful time with God.  The only challenge, I often cry when I pray, and the driving part keeps me from giving in to full on weeping.
     There is nothing wrong with tears, except when driving a stick in rush hour traffic.
     Yesterday, again while driving, I had a great time with God.  It was a morning of thankfulness.  I tend to go to asks (supplication) first, but without any forethought, I just found myself so grateful.  The list in truth was short--a house filled with love, my husband, my son, my job...and then the words, spoken out loud as I always do in these car times to help me focus on Him, "Thank you for loving me!"   Hearing that, well, it made me cry and laugh with joy.
     Then I was reminded of this:

     I didn't go into my prayers with this "saying" on my mind, but when I thanked God for loving me and then immediately was poked by this quote, I smiled and said, "and that's all I really need, God, your love." 
     Sometimes with all the swirls of life around us, thinking of our wants, working to fulfill our needs, even in our most thankful moment, all we need is Love.  His love.

No such thing as unanswered

Source: my husband's facebook wall
and it reminded me...

I came back to God, who was really right here with me always, in an interesting way.  Steps along the way can now be documented, but while they were being taken, I had no clue as to what was happening.

About seven years ago, I was on a second date with a pastor's son and a preacher's brother. (His family relationships really made me think he was too good for me.)  Over pizza, he challenged me about prayer (so much for small talk). When I said, "I don't pray but I do talk to God."  He asked me to detail the difference, and I said, "Well, some people treat God like Santa Claus, and I refuse to ask him for stuff."

He went on, "When your son was small, did he ever climb into your lap to ask you for something?"  Yes.  "And as a parent, did you sometimes say, 'yes'?"  Sure.  "Sometimes 'not now'?"  Yep.  "And then from time to time would you smile, look at him, and say, 'That's never going to happen'?"  I laughed and said, "Of course."

He went on to tell me that God is my Father, and He wants me to ask for things, and He listens to me and will answer, it just might not be the answer I'm looking for.

That night I realized there isn't any prayer that goes unanswered.  All prayers are answered, but we just look for and proclaim the "Yes!" answers.  In those moments, I began to look at God in a whole new way.  I recognized His will is greater than mine.  (Although I still work to have it be the other way around.)  

That night I took a step I full well remember taking.  A step forward with a gentle but definitive push--great words from a person who was in my life for only a brief time, but whom God used in an amazing way.

God answers all prayers.  So, pray.

I should be...

...running.  And I will, once I publish this.

This is one of those posts about which I am feeling cautious.  I want to tell you all what's up.  So many of you have reached out to me lately via facebook messages and email, and I don't want to cause unnecessary worry because I'm okay.  I am concerned I'll write too much as I attempt to explain.  (Or I'll just bore you all!)

School started a month ago, and it has worn me out.

I had another sinus infection, and this time I opted to not go to the doctor.  In time, not in due time obviously, I will see a specialist.  Eight infections in one year is excessive.

My kids are sweet, but I have a few more than a handful who like love to talk. Now, this might not seem like a big thing, except that every time I share a direction or an ask (about 250 times a day), I have to repeat myself at least twice (some days I've counted, and it's been up to seven times--often for very simple directions like, "Take out your binder.").  When I ask for their attention, many of them think I want it for a only a second and no longer.  So I get their attention, but it's really an endeavor to keep it.

I feel bad for the kids who are working to listen all the time.  They lose their precious learning time too.

As a whole, my kiddos cannot settle down from recess, and many spend a lot of time talking during transitions, so we lose recess minutes as the day goes on.  Recess, once earned (something I've never had to qualify before), is at the very end of the day--there's no instruction readiness after recess.

I find I am working more with children at times when I am accustomed to their being independent. I run through lunch and plan time--working more than past years during those precious moments--and stay until six on Thursdays and Fridays when I don't have tutoring after school.  Homework for me is a given.

It's been super hard to get the kids into any routine, to get myself into a routine, and we're still working on scheduling and instruction changes. So any routines attempted keep changing.

There are some other challenges too.  I have received a number of emails from a concerned parent, and I have answered every one. I have been misunderstood in many of these communications no matter how I work to phrase things.  Over the weekend, I received a reply that had me in tears.  I was devastated, I think I reacted that way because I have been working so hard on so many other aspects of my classroom and instruction, and that's not going to change for the entire year.  I saw the year unfold...

(In retrospect, the funny part is that I cried in Dominick's--a grocery store.  It all just hit me whilst walking the aisles.  I couldn't focus enough to choose a cereal...finally I chose Froot Loops.  Can you say, "In need of comfort food?" When we got in the car, Brad said, "Didn't you want to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond?"  I laughed and said, "I couldn't decide on cereal, I'm certainly not going to be able to focus on choosing barware!"   I have this need for trying out that amaretto margarita idea and I love a just-right-glass...no worries, no plans to imbibe every night!)

Today our schedule changes yet again.  By next week, we'll have many reading interventions to implement, and second quarter I'm going to more with the reading workshop I've been reading about and planning for.  I'm taking on something new because it is best for the kids, but I'm waiting to do it right.

Science is new.  Math is different.  Much for me to learn before I teach.

In addition, this year I offered to be one of our building union reps, and I was undersold on the requirements/expectations of the position.  It's a big responsibility, and I want to represent my peers well.  I'm not a militant union person, but in our case we are strong and collaborative, and I think it's important to be a part of that.  (Two years ago, we all took a pay freeze to keep our peers employed.  The media missed out on thoroughly reporting that good act.)  Ours is a group that cares for children.
I have to focus on the small victories and growth I see in the kids.   And I do see growth, finding the time to reflect  is the trick.

I love my job.  It is a blessing.

I am not complaining. I am simply tired.

Sometimes I am too spent to think when I get home.

Representing my staff is an honor.

I ask that you respect because you went to school doesn't mean you know what it's like to be a teacher. Because your kids went or go to school doesn't mean you know what it's like to be a teacher.  If you taught more than five years ago, you no longer know what it's like to be a teacher--things have changed that much.  We work harder than ever.

It is an important job.

I have some wonderfully involved parents who have said and done some really nice things!  I can't wait to get to know them all better.  How generous they are!  Art mom, copy mom, valance making mom, a dad who thanks me every time I send a group email, a math mom who thanked me for wanting to include her in a group email, party moms, Operation Christmas Child donations being discussed...all smiles there!

I tutor three special girls after school who make my heart sing. 

Putting this all in perspective, this too shall pass. Jesus is with me. Brad and I are good.  He's been great at home with helping me, soothing me, and tucking me in--often early.  My team of fellow fourth grade teachers are the most agreeable people I have ever worked with. I forget to, but I should thank God for them daily.  I have friends going through trials I cannot imagine, things that make my pressures seem featherweight.  I grab hold of that and pray for them.  That helps the most.  Prayer. Knowing my prayers count and knowing friends are praying for me has held me up, so in turn I talk to God in hopes of doing the same for others.  What a gift that is.

Hearing from Him

"A to Z Literacy Movement has ambitious goals for 2011, extending both the scope and level of our commitment. This year we will:

• Provide 8400 school lunches for approximately 120 children for 6 months - $600
• Entirely fund the yearly salaries of two teachers - $1000 each
• Train and provide instruction for teachers at our partner organizations - $3000
• Ship over 4000 books to classrooms and libraries in Zambia - $5000"      

     I copied the above text and photos directly from the A to Z Literacy Movement site.  (If you didn't read my post of yesterday, please do.)  Our school raised $600 for A to Z in a February coin drive.  In gratitude, Mal Keenen, the brains behind A to Z, came to talk to our older kids last week.  Her visit and enthusiasm got me praying and doing some mental wrestling (I can't always tell the difference) about a trip for me to Zambia.
     And what did I finally pin down?  
     I believe, for once, I looked past what I wanted and listened to God. Does He want to see a change in me?  Yes.  Does He want me to serve others?  Always.  Does He want me to do so by going to Zambia for two weeks? Hm, I'm not hearing a yes on that one.
     Remember that $2500 trip price tag?  Good.  Now look above and see what A to Z can do with $2500.  The math is pretty clear.  I can do more for those children from here than I can if I were to go there.  And so I'm working on ideas already.
     What was funny though was the reaction I got to this decision from two teacher friends...
     The first friend, a world traveler and not a believer, was disappointed in me when I told her what God had made clear.  She said, "Travel is never wasted.  Changing you is what would matter."  She's a teacher, passionate about reading and writing, but she disagreed with my choice to help from here.
     The second friend, he is a believer, said he knew exactly where I was coming from.  He told me he had friends who went on short term mission trips to places with great needs.  He said on their return most expressed they felt selfish, felt it was all about them versus being about God or the people they intended to serve--or--just when they did feel they were making an impact the trip ended and they had to return home, often feeling bereft there was so much left unfinished.  Desperately wanting to go back.
     I have sponsored people for such trips, and I do believe doing so is a good thing. If you've gone on such a trip, please don't think I'm diminishing your service.  But in this case, in my case, my service can reach all the way to Zambia from my school, my classroom, my heart.
     There are so many moments when I struggle with what God wants me to do.  I wonder at times if I can ever see His will.  In this case, I believe I have.  Please pray that my plans are pleasing to Him.  Please pray that I can get the support of my school community come August.  I'm working on an outline now that I will share with my principal over the summer...it needs to be a solid prospectus. With her approval and encouragement, I hope to present my ideas to my peers and the PTO. Our school has done amazing things in the area of giving this year, and with your prayers and God's guidance, I think we can all--including you now through your comments and prayers--make a difference in this gracious world.
     In doing so, you see, many children here and in Zambia will be changed. And so will I.  It all matters.

Pray to Reach Peace

 

Photo stolen from Amazon.com

     Over the past few weeks, I read Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist.  I'm not much of a book reviewer so I will simply say:

• I would recommend this book
• It didn't blow me away like her previous book, Cold Tangerines
• I wanted to dissect it, and give certain chapters/essays to certain friends--friends who seemed to need to hear just what she was writing about because it was what they were living at that very moment.

     The thing that grabbed me most firmly while reading the book was not something she created, but a thought attributed to her father, Bill Hybels.  I liked it so much (needed to read it again and again), I dog-earred the page so I would easily find it again.  It is beautiful, but I needn't comment on it more.
     "Someone asked my dad recently how often we can pray for the very same thing, and he said that we should pray as often as we need to until the anxiety subsides, until, as it says in the Bible, we are filled with the peace that passes human understanding."

His will, not ours

Will you pray for us?

Continuing to praise Him,

El

Box it up

     No, the title of this post has nothing to do with Boxing Day, although today is, in Canada. It comes from today's message at church. Yeah, the service we didn't want to go to 'cause we just went Friday night, but we're so glad we did.
     The message was about worry.
     Honestly, I would be the first to tell you, I don't worry.  I guess I figured out today that that's a lie.  Near the end of the message, Pastor Dale shared a prayer strategy, so to speak, that a counselor had once suggested he employ.  He told him to picture God coming to him with a box, and into that box would go every single thing that was bothering him or, yes, worrying him.  Then after he did that, he was to turn the box over to God and not remove anything from it.
     Then he did it, you know that pastor thing, he asked us what we would put in that same box.  And the woman who doesn't worry started filling it.

      Brad's job and income.

Sarah's health

Dealing with the talkers in my class

My fatigue

Brad's family

Home

Serving at church (where?)

Work--keeping caught up, never feeling that's possible

RtI--another work thing

Friends (whose names I shall keep private)

Bills (not a friend at all)

Mac

The check engine light--that means another bill

        See, the thing is, God tells us not to worry.  And still, I would argue semantics, I don't worry. I ponder.  You like that one?  It's such a weak argument.  But it's His promise that He will take care of us.  So why am I still, still wrestling for control?  Why am I not trusting Him to provide and manage my life?  Why do I constantly ponder about things I should be turning over to Him?

     It's my goal to be honest and positive on this blog.  I hate complaining.  I don't think I am...

     However, my box is so full, my heart is heavy--and yes, I do worry.   It's time I turn those worries to prayer, and it's time I ask you to pray for me. And as I grow in prayer, I have such an A.D.D. relationship with it, it's time I ask you what's in your box and how I can pray for you.

There is no such thing as a coincidence...

     My friend Pam forwards these minute meditations to me daily.  I have mentioned her and them before.  The timing of this one is perfect for where I find myself right now.  Such Light came with these words:
      Wherever you are on your faith journey, know that God wants to bring you even further. In your prayer today, sit quietly before the Lord and listen for the ways he might be calling you to grow in faith. Accept that although your plans seem pretty good, his plans are even better, even if they are nothing like what you expected. When you make a habit of trusting God’s wisdom instead of your own, you’ll find that you have more peace, joy, and inner strength. So let him lead you. You won’t regret it!

     “Father, help me to trust you. Give me the grace to surrender my will to yours, even if it means doing something I’m afraid of.” 

    

Pray for me, please?

     Recently via this blog which is then imported to facebook, I asked my friends to share your prayer requests. I received some earnest replies.  What was interesting, though I asked how I might pray for YOU, most of you sent requests for others.  I've collected quite a list, and I did and do continue to pray for those other folks, but I get YOU in there too. 
     Isn't it funny how it's still so hard for us to ask for prayers for ourselves? I believe God is pleased when we consider others in our prayers, and I have grown closer in those moments spent with Him talking about you, what's on your hearts, and His will.

     This blog's title, "The Art of Losing Myself," is a lyric from one of my favorite praise songs ("The art of losing myself in bringing you praise").  However it's also an eloquent way to say, "Get OVER yourself," Ellie.  I need that reminder sometimes often.
     Prayers and praise songs, how does this all go together in this post?  Well today, the past few days, and maybe even weeks, I've been having a really difficult time getting over myself.  More specifically, I'm tending to put myself first instead of thinking of others and most importantly instead of turning toward God.
     I do pray every day, and I will admit it is the only time lately I feel close to Him.  I'm struggling with some church stuff (where I'm not feeling God at all--my fault, He IS there), some family stuff (different sides, different issues), I'm way too enamored with my new haircut (it's cute, but it's not going to get me on the cover of a magazine), I'm visiting Judgmental Land a little too frequently, and I'm just feeling self-centered in all aspects of life.  It remains a good life, but I'm wondering: Am I living it for His purposes or for mine?  The simple fact I'm asking that question helps me know the answer.* 
     Please, if you would pray that I hear AND listen to God's will and am able to free myself from myself, I would be so grateful.  More grateful than I already am for you.


*Mine.  Sigh.

Processing this one...

     I was blog stumbling the other day, clicking on a link from a favorite blog to a new blog to another blog, when I came across www.gitzengirl.blogspot.com.  That's where I found these words for this Wednesday,  

"No moment from God is a rock of burden, it's just a rock waiting to be broken apart into stepping stones."

~~Sara Frankl

     I wrote them down and have been thinking about them since.  Then, one very early morning between that day and today, I was having a hard time sleeping.  I came in and fired up the dinosaur (AKA my PC) and searched "burden" on www.biblegateway.com.  There were, I believe, 51 hits for the word, but this verse jumped out at me.

"Carry each others' burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."  

~~Galatians 6:2 (NIV)

     So, I'm still thinking.  Mostly thinking about the praying I've been doing.  Does that lift others' burdens?  Does it help?  Am I to make stepping stones out of my own hard times or to help others make stepping stones from theirs?  And...I'm still thinking.  I look forward to that day, near or far, when I get IT, and I think, "Oh, that's what that meant."  I guess, until then, I will carry on and step where rocks have already been turned into stones.

You Ain't Heavy

     I have been praying for you.  It's been a pretty amazing experience on so many levels.  It's been challenging on other levels.  But yesterday it was hilarious--well at least God and I thought so. Okay, I thought so, and I hope I did give God a giggle.  Don't you just love thinking you can do things that God laughs at?  I do.  I'm certain I crack Him up with my foolishness, but I also like to think I make Him guffaw due to  my wit too.  After all, He gave it to me.
     I was thinking about you all and praying yesterday, and I kept telling Him I was lifting you up.
     Then I got this picture in my head of all my loved ones, and some I'm hoping to love, melded into a ball, and me lifting all of you up.  Like this:

 

     I kept going, I tend to digress while I talk with God but He's used to it, and I pictured a newly born Kunta Kinte in his father's arms being lifted up to Him. Like this:

          And since I was thinking of such strength, I pictured myself last like this (come on, I had to throw a woman in there):

 

    Why is this funny?  Well because if you know me, you know my arms look like his and I usually can't lift much of anything:

   Yet I CAN lift you up to Him, and I do.  So while the images make me laugh, the thought that God loves me praying for you does make me feel as strong as those I've pictured.  That's a powerful thing, and I am thankful for the chance to use my strength for you.

Not the One I Had Planned

     This morning, I woke and stayed in bed for a while thinking. That totally quiet time is something I don't often have, and admittedly, I had to fight the impulse to jump up to get started on my day.  That is, after all, my normal routine.
      Even though I wasn't thinking about this blog, I suddenly knew what this week's "Question of the Week" had to be:   
      How may I pray for you?
      I understand you may not want to answer by commenting below (though if you do, that would be fine), so feel free to email me at evstewart@gmail.com or send me a message on facebook.
      I understand you might feel uncomfortable asking for prayer at all.  I lay there this morning thinking about  a small group I used to be in.  To conclude the group's time together each meeting, we'd collect praise and prayer requests.  One friend would always say, "I'm good."
     One week I blurted out, "Are you beyond asking for God's help?"  Everyone else kind of exhaled a collective, "Whoa!-Oooh!" kind of sound (my onomatopoeia skills are lacking today) as if they thought I was being confrontational or challenging.  That wasn't my intent, but I can see how it must have seemed.  Though I could have been more eloquent, I really was just pleading with him to open up to us and in doing so open up MORE to God.
     Just like with that friend, if you're someone who is a friend of mine (in person or from the Net), I already pray for you from time to time. Mostly I pray that you have answers to your prayers.  But if you have anything more specific, an ask or a thanks you'd like to share, my heart is open.  Most importantly, His is.
     So, how may I pray for you?
 

Pray if you would please?

     Close to a year ago, Brad, Mac and I were out to dinner.  We were chatting about general kinds of stuff, when Mac said he had a favor to ask of us.  He explained that his friend Vicki, really the good friend of his friends Julie and Katie, was sick, leukemia, and it didn't look good.  He asked us if we would, "...do that thing you do, you know, pray?"
     There are two things you need to know here, even if you already have heard this story.  One, Mac would tell you he doesn't believe in God.  Two, Mac "lost" four friends in less than a year's time a while back, and it truly broke his heart.  He does not want anyone he knows to have to go through what he went through, so in caring for Vicki, he was showing great care for their mutual friends.  I used to call Mac my little Linus, his heart was so big and loving.  He has not lost that quality as he has grown into a fine man.
     This ask gave us the opportunity to talk with Mac about prayer.  We told him just because we would pray, it didn't mean we'd get a, "yes."  He listened, which was a gift itself.
     I came home and did what I do, I emailed people and asked them to pray.  I got such thoughtful replies, I popped into his room and told Mac that people "are already praying," and he seemed so heartened by that.  Some of those wonderful people, some of you, are still praying a year later.
     God has worked some incredible things through this ask of Mac's.
     Vicki went into remission. Through church and baptism, God placed Sarah in our lives--Sarah who is 18 and dealing with the same leukemia as Vicki.  They have connected with each other, two young women with an "old man's blood cancer," who talk to each other about what only they can know.  Vicki, no longer in remission, walked in a leukemia walk last fall, and many of my praying friends supported her financially.  This December, when Vicki got released from the hospital to graduate from college, people from Atlanta to Naperville to France were cheering that day for a young woman they had never met.  When Vicki was finally home from the hospital and that last long stay, many of you reached out to her through Emails and notes.  She said, "You have such amazing friends."  I do.  Last month, Vicki, her boyfriend Adam and her mom came over to finally meet us, to meet Sarah and we are closer now. By the way, Vicki's mom Helen is SuperMom, a role she never would have asked for, but one she fulfills in a way that blows me away.  Vicki's boyfriend Adam?  What a good man.
     I pray for Vicki every day.   Of course I ask that she feel His presence, that she feel held.  Truth be told I pray for nothing short of a miracle--I ask for her life.  Because Vicki's back in the hospital facing a fierce case of pancreatitis, I cried as I prayed with Brad this morning, and then I cried on my way to school.
     God has softened my heart to this young woman, so I ask, will you pray too?
   

From quick to plank

     I recently posted about a word for the year, mine being "quick" and was so interested in the comments left by my friends when the blog post appeared here and in my notes on facebook.
     Just a few days after that post, I'm thinking of another word.  Maybe instead of making it my word of the year, it should be my word for my life.  It's...plank.  You know that verse that talks about pointing out the errors or sins of others?  Actually, it's a thought so nice, they had to remind us of it twice:
     "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"  Matthew 7:3 (also see Luke 6:41).
     I am guilty of this.
     Oh boy, am I incredibly guilty of this.
     Picture me walking around, people ducking to avoid the massive two-by-four that's jammed into my right eye.  That wood is wedged in there at school, at home, on the road, when I'm thinking of family, when I watch TV, and even at church.  It's an ugly piece of wood; forget that it's stuck in my eye socket, it's rough and splintery and could do (does do) a lot of damage.
     But, I have started to whittle away at it.
     How?
     I have started praying for others.  In fact, I have spent the last week working (and it is work) to pray for others and not myself.  The names of people who have popped into my head during prayer time make me wonder.  People I love?  Sure.  They're a given.  But people who I feel have wronged me?  Their names shine like they're up in lights during my talk time with God. I know He sees everything, especially what I leave unspoken.   I know I have ulterior motives when I talk about these meanies with my human supporters; when I speak about them with God, it's different.
     I am learning, that although boundaries are important--and I've had to set some family ones and some family has set boundaries with me of late--I still care for these people. GOD still cares for these people for they are His children.  The latter care, His care, is more relevant than mine.  As I talk to Him, though I feel great hurt, I also feel great healing.
     So while that plank is still there, it's hard a few small essential cuts taken from it.  It's lighter, and I'm hoping one day to truly see past it.

Draw near

Never

forget 

God

because he never forgets you.

Mark Steele

Remembering

For those who have died in service to our country,

today we are asked to remember.

They did not give their lives.

Their lives were taken.

May we offer some moments today to pray

for the safety of all who are in service of our country.

May we pray for their families.

As we hold tight to the idea that freedom isn't free,

may we pray for peace.